Can somebody please (10) points tell me what is wrong with my abstract?

My teacher is having a fit.
Abstract
Coronary heart disease is a cardiovascular ailment considered to be a complex of diseases of varied etiology. A primary factor that initiates a heart attack is the pathological buildup of abnormal plaque, or atheromas, in the arteries, plaque that gradually hardens through calcification. Coronary heart disease is not a leading cause of death in the United States until 1950, causing more than 30 percent of all deaths, and the figure is still climbing up to the present day. Today coronary heart disease accounts for about 45 percent of all deaths.
The common causes of heart disease may be attributed to several factors such as hypertension, obesity, heredity, high cholesterol, emotional stress, and lack of regular exercise. Various methods to diagnose and treat heart disease have been developed over the years, but medical experts, still advise healthy diet and regular exercise as the best counter-measures for heart ailments.
Laboratory methods to diagnose heart disease include blood test, electrocardiogram, exercise ECG, electrophysiology studies, cardiac catheterization, echocardiography, doppler ultrasonography and many other test. Treatments for heart disease include heart transplantation, artificial heart insertion, drug therapy, surgery, balloon catheter treatments, defibrillation, synchronized cardioversion, and pacemaker insertion. Family plays the biggest part for heart patients.

6 Responses to “Can somebody please (10) points tell me what is wrong with my abstract?”

  1. CINCNORTH N Says:

    Several issues arise, some not so obvious, so I'll focus on those plainly evident.

    1. Atheromas are fatty deposits in arteries. Therefore, saying "atheromas in the arteries" is a pleonasm. Moreover, in the same sentence, the word "plaque" unnecessarily occurs twice.

    2. The formulation "Coronary heart disease is not a leading cause of death in the United States until 1950, …." is difficult to understand. Perhaps You wanted to say "Coronary heart disease WAS not a leading cause of death in the United States until 1950,…". The remaining part of the sentence is not clear as to when "more than 30 % of all deaths" were caused. Perhaps You wanted to say "Coronary heart disease WAS not a leading cause of death in the United States until 1950, when it caused more than 30 percent of all deaths, and the figure is still climbing up to the present day." Check Your data and rewrite the sentence.

    3. "but medical experts, still advise" — the comma has no place there.

    4. Various methods to diagnose and treat heart diseaseS have been developed over the years, but this has nothing to do with expert advice on healthy diet and regular exercise. These are not counter-measures, these are *prophylactic* measures, which means measures *protecting* against disease, preventing it from happening, not treating or countering an existing condition. Diagnosing and treating is what You do when You already have somebody with symptoms typical for a heart condition.

    5. "many other testS". Besides, most of the listed methods are not laboratory, but *clinical* methods.

    6. "Artificial heart insertion"? Perhaps, but I still think it's Star Trek science. Transplantation is ok, etc. I'd say "treatments for heart diseaseS…" because You covered a wide scope of conditions with these interventions. Transplantation and pacemaker implantation are both surgical techniques, so surgery should not be divided from them as a separate entity. Perhaps: "surgical techniques (transplantation, pacemaker implantation…)…".

    7. Family plays the biggest part for heart patients. ??? This one is a real miss. Perhaps You wanted to say: "Family plays the most important role in supporting heart patients on their way to recovery" ? Needs rewriting….

  2. pjbthree Says:

    Too long?

  3. buddywackett Says:

    I took one glance and turned away…

  4. stacey81493 Says:

    There's nothing wrong with it. It is correct and Im the niece of a doctor!

  5. The New Epidemic Says:

    i dont think anything is wrong except i think that it dosent have pathos or feeling it needs to have some emotion or exitment its all facts but good facts

  6. r83 Says:

    An abstract shouldn't be full of facts and statistics, you will be explaining all that in your essay/report. An abstract should be one or two paragraphs explaining in simple terms what your essay is about. What you are looking into (a brief description), what has been tested (brief), what you have/were hoping to find and a small conclusion. It should be laid out in the order that your essay is laid out.

    One of my lecturers always says that if you CAN'T understand what an essay is about from reading the abstract then you shouldn't read on. It needs to be totally understandable by anyone (i.e someone who knows nothing about heart disease).Keep it simple and don't go into in-depth detail, it's basically an introduction that's explains your essays content. What you have written is far too complicated and doesn't explain what the essay is about. Good luck, hope this helped a little!